Fearless Widow

When my husband was alive, I was (very boring) not very adventurous and always responsible. I rarely tried new foods, I didn't like beer, was hesitant to have any change in my life whatsoever, and did not like trying new things. Basically, I was happy with the way my life was going and that was it.

When Mike died, this suddenly changed and I didn't realize it. I started tasting foods people suggested without asking for a list of ingredients first. I started drinking (and LIKING) different types of beer...my favorite to this day happens to also have been Mike's favorite. I started doing things I never would have considered before. I'd go to parties, drink (a LOT) and not worry about who was going to drive me home (to be clear, I NEVER drove drunk. EVER). I probably would have accepted a ride from a stranger. I went white water rafting, something I vowed I would never do without my husband. I tried online dating, and didn't think that the person I might meet could be a murderer or rapist. I gave my phone number to strangers, I went drinking in bars of cities I'd never been in before, I drove around in the middle of the night with no where to go. I did countless stupid things, and never once thought of the outcome. My reasons? Well, they were simple. If whatever I happened to be doing killed me, would that really be so terrible? If I died, at least I'd see Mike again.

Looking back on the first year or so after his death, I realize that while I may not have been clinically depressed or suicidal, it's still almost amazing that I came out of it alive. And the worst part? I didn't even realize at the time what sort of shape I was really in. I just thought I was getting on with my life. I wish I could say that there was a point where I 'woke up' or snapped out of it, something life changing that made me realize what a dangerous path I was on, but there wasn't. The truth is, I don't know what changed inside me. I don't remember when I stopped thinking that dying wouldn't be the worst thing to happen to me, a thought that had crossed my mind countless times. I don't think I ever had a moment like George Bailey laying on top of the bridge crying 'I want to live again'...all I know is that one day I started becoming cautious again and it's lead me this far. I'm thankful that my grief or stupidity didn't kill me, because when I look at the life I have now I am grateful. It may not be perfect, it may not even be close to where it was 8 years ago, but I've survived.